Puppet: Make It Stop.

I am such a fool for letting myself bein' fooled so bad! Why and how did it come to this? I am usually not this kinda person. I "withdraw" myself whenever i have felt that i have been mistreated or treated soooo..urrgh!! And yet, i still gave way to that.

I really really really need to stop all of this. I have come to realized that though i've been seeking help/advices/opinions from bffs and bcfs, they aren't good enough or worst, not helping at all. The one and only person who has the ultimate authority is none other than MYSELF!

GRAB YOURSELF ALREADY SHARON! GET IT OVER WITH ONCE AND FOR ALL!

I am dying to wait for the time to come where i could just sit and ponder just how foolish i was. I am waiting for that triumphant day.

He contacted me once (erm..twice maybe) in the morning today. Sent me an mms. Was happy. No, i was ECSTATIC but then after that never got any reply from him again (yes so typical of him..i know.) And once again, like a fool, i kept on wondering whether he's doin fine or not. Has he eaten and all. How was his paper today. Just plain stupid. *sighs*

On the other hand, it's good though that he still hasn't contacted me. As much as i hate to admit this but i think it is better if he keeps on doing that; ignoring me. The more he does that, the more crushed i get and the easier to get it over with =D. (But come on...who am i kiddin' right?)

"Enough is enough!"

Please help Sharon to realize that.

p.s: Another suckie me for today. Boohoo!

.xxoo.

Troubled Mind.

For the first time since a year or two years back, here i am sitting on the same old blue-wheeled chair in the lab, updating my so-called blog. heh.

I am really suppose to do my work (i.e assignments) but i just couldn't resist myself from blogging. Which means, i have troubled thoughts. No. I mean, i'm all tangled up.

It is so very hard to do anything especially when your heart and mind are telling two diffferent thing at the same time. Yes yes. As much as i hate to admit, i still do think of him always! *sighs* You know what, it's actually would be easier if we could just act like normal friends instead of still calling me by our "pet names" (that is one funny statement kakakak). And it would be so much easier for me to get over him (which i find it still very difficult to do especially when i need/have to pretend and show him that i no longer care about the relationship and all, which i obviously still do) if he didn't say what he said last night about gettin' jelous of me gettin' waaay too close to other guys (hey come on. that shows that he actually cared, right? unlike last time which i thought he simply didn't care AT ALL!). And then, last night's call, i am both glad and dissapointed at the same time upon receiving his 'goodnight' call though it was an extremely short and simple one. The fact is, i really do miss him alot. Listening to him talk just made my day. But at the same time, it also slowly crushes my plan of getting over him =(

I am so sick of everything. Putting up a fake facade to deceive people or worst, myself. I tried to rationalize things for example trying to put myself in his situation and mine and then try to come up with one possible solution to at least resolute matters. I am sooooooo confused weii.

For today, i don't know what to do. Let's just assume i am such a suckie for even thinking of him today. Let's see what i am up to tomorrow then. *winks*

p.s: -___-" another 40mins til jane's class ends.

.xoxo.

Smooth Sailing~ Ehh. No?

Few days have passed since he and i managed to clear things up. It has also been few days passed since i am finally feeling content. Since then, we managed to "rectify" what's been left off, as friends that is *chuckles*

Started texting each other, though not as often as before, but it's all good *winks*. He even started mms-ing and as expected, i replied his mms oso lah *grins*.

However, as much as i believe that my (our) current status is just friends, i cannot exempt myself from gettin' the "vibes" and "cues" from him indicating that we still have that certain 'something' goin on. Just like that Hindi movie kuch kuch hota hai LOL!

I am ignoring them as best as i could, telling myself that those are nothing. Of course i would definitely treat them as something IF he gives an absolute answer/explaination/word (adoii..whatever lah.) I think that's the most rationale thing to do for the time being, right? *pats own head*

But, here comes the part which i loathe so much: i am starting to anticipate for his texts (again). *sighs* i know i know. Foolish! The good thing is, i am at least able to control it already =D

Today, there isn't any reply from him. But that's okay. You don't expect a friend whois just a FRIEND to check up on you all the time right? hahaha. *sighs*

Okay lah. I'm off to shower now. Daa~

cheers~
.xoox.

I Got The Momentum Needed! *yeay*

After dwelling a long time of wondering and pondering for answer(s), relentlessly anticipating for his replies and all, i am officially contented. *phew*

I've finally decided to confront him today (just now), after he claimed that he missed me (which i hoped so much to believe *sighs*) through sms. I told myself that that was it. I needed to act now or wait for another agonizing week. I spilled the beans to him.

I got just what i needed. ALL that i needed all these while; ANSWER. His answer was short but straight to the point. It was undeniably heartbreaking but i am more contented than dissapointed =D

Now that we're in good terms again (as in back in becoming good friends again) i could finally bug him again. This time, i don't care if he thinks i am such a pain in the arse! *eveilish laugh* coz that's exactly how i am as he knew me before.

Goodbye sappiness. Hello jolliness! *cheers*

Now that i am on my two feet again, i feel so much lighter! (yet still heavy and fat. *sighs*) LOL! I got just all the amount of momentum needed to boost me up!

Owh dang. My assignments! uh..maybe a little bit more momentum would be good?

cheers~!

Keepin' Myself Low

Just when i thought everything's goin as planned, i was "betrayed" once again!

Truth is, just how much i admitted that i never wanna receive text messages and calls from him at least for the time being, i am only denying myself. I wanted to be able to get over him if possible the nearest time around cos it's so hard just bein stuck in this current scenario. It's easier though not to miss him or even think of him when i kept myself busy (tho the thought of him would somehow occasionally slipped into my mind. damnit!).

Last night, i thought i was stronger. I mean, i was...until he texted me so unexpectedly (again) =( if we weren't in this situation, i would've jumped in joy gettin feedbacks from him. But i am soo tired of anticipating replies and answers from him. I tried so HARD trying to (act) ignore him, which i managed to do. I do feel better from the outside. But the honest truth, i felt like breaking down and cry again =( . This time, i managed to convince myself not to.

I hate admitting this but i really do miss him. Alot.

It sucks missing someone who treated you like you're a nobody, ignored and left u feeling neglected and unwanted.

"Mr. S, say benc ka owh..say pen har2 fik pas ka. But at the same time, sasayka and i hope somewhere deep inside of you know that. "

Owh don't worry couzs. I am not giving up with myself, not now. I am just pourin' my shytes out hoping to feel better.

Which obviously, isn't working.

He Did It Again. Damnit!

JUST WHY IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD DID IT HAPPENED AGAIN?!

When i finally had the strength and courage and most importantly the least feelings towards him (after almost 24hours of not messaging him of any sort), like ALWAYS he could just simply say/do something which crumbled my whole plan!

Had an earlier conversation with my bestest cousin just now. She convinved me to get back on my two feet. Stop everything that has been bothering me and start being just me! She even said something which i really didn't expect she would say =p. Thanx a bunch couz. U know I LOVE YOU! .xxxxooo.!

I wanted to call him, and seek (more like demand) for a decent explaination or just to spare answers to my numerous questions! I believe everyone loath bein left danglin' without any specific reason at all.

However, i decided to text him first just to makesure that he wasn't doin anything (especially not in bed already). I know i might be cruel or evil at times but i do care about others' feelings okay *rolleyes*.

Picked up my digi, and texted him, "Uits. pa u buat?"

At that point, i seriously thought he'd reply indicating that he's busy or just doin what he's good at, ignoring me. Boy i was wrong. Not even 3 mins later i got a reply. It said..

"Muuuuuuuuuuuaaaaaaahhhhhh"

That simple muah thingy usually made my day, no matter how bad he ignored me. But not this time. I was more dissapointed and sad. I really don't have a clue of what game he is playing. Just yesterday i cried my eye-socket (LOL!) out. I poured my feelings to him. All he did was told me to be relaxed and never check up on me again. Torture man!

What's past let it go i know. Let by gones be by gone. But i seriously do not know what to do. His reply have swept everything that i've prepared earlier. Maybe i'll try confronting him next time. Maybe just MAYBE few days later.

I am so sick of his game. But i know i need to deal with this. VERY BAD!

Came to think of it, he's the ultimate liar. Not me.

I am picking up pace. Just need more momentum. I'll get there.

I'm Trembling. ='(

I was in a small shop with jane just now. We were goin about with our groceries. That was when i suddenly stood still and started to tremble. From afar, i heard a distinct song were being played on the radio. I recognize that song.

HE "dedicated" the song to me once upon a time ago. He called it as "our song".

Upon listening to the song, everything came to be so blurry again. I was literally shaking, my palms got cold and i was out of breath for a few minutes. The song reminds me alot of him (which i struggled alot not to think of him).

I MISS MR. S. SO MUCH!

For once, since a very very very long time, i brokedown and cried. I didn't mean to cry ='( the tears just keep on pouring.

I miss you Bug.

I wanna go home. ='<

Maybe This Is Karma.

i did it again ='(

I wanted him to know so bad how i felt for him but i guess he just couldn't see it coming. It's true i was holding back all my emotions and feelings towards him before but that was because i was still lack of his assurance. When i finally let myself out, everything seemed to change. What seemed to be a perfect picture turned out to be exactly not. Why do i feel like he acted otherwise? Before, he acted differently, more kinda...the person who cared alot about someone. However when we finally decided to be together, why do i feel so neglected and ignored? Yes, i understand his situations and all. I even tried to go with his flow but somehow i feel like i am drifting away from his direction.

I didn't wanna bug him all the time and wanted to give him space up til the extent where i was gettin' a bit ashamed of giving him a call or even to text him. Twas because whenever i did, he'd be so busy up to the point where he didn't even bother to check on me, text me, call me or just for goodness sake, contact me ='<. There were even times where i'd give him a call but he was just to busy to answer his phone or he would somehow answer it but most of the time he convinced me that he was too busy to entertain my calls. Many times though, he claimed he'd get back to me or leave me a text or two. Most of the time, he never did. His reason; too busy or he had forgotten all about it. ='<. It's heartbreaking enough not bein able to call or text him like the way we did before, but by leaving me hanging on nothing is pure torture. The constant waiting and hoping he'd return any of my calls or texts is eating me from the inside ='<.

Alas, i did what i was best known of; separation. This time he agreed. Maybe he was just too exhausted with my childish acts..or maybe he was out of the whole "relationship" thing already. I seriously don't know. Either way, i just hope that he'd come clean about it and tell it straight to me. I feel dumb enough bein clueless all the time.

Since that day, I promised myself not to tell him how i feel. Wanted to act as if nothing's bothering me and that i treasure our friendship and wanted to keep the friendship goin on. I didn't wanna let my stupidity and emotions blind my judgements and actions anymore. So i tried to keep it really low.

However, i succumbed to my emotions once again. Two days back i suddenly gain courage (or stupidity??) to tell him that i missed him so much. Can you imagine? it took me really really much guts to spill it to him but his reply was a bullet to my chest.

"Liar", he said.

Man i was so crushed!! (and am still ='<) At this point i don't think there's anything that i can do anymore. I just hope that one fine day, he'd understand.

Nonetheless, i really really do wish him all the best in his undertakings!

.xxoohunooxx.

='(

It's been a short bumpy ride.

But..

I am missing Tagi already. =(

Boom!

I can't handle the infatuation no longer.

I am so scared of bein played and used (after knowing about his attitude in the past). It's really hard when your head and heart are giving out two different reactions toward one scenario. It's really hard. A tough decision.

It's so hard that i decided to GAMBLE.

I hate it so much for knowing the most irritating and annoying person i've ever known.

Ironically, i am slowly falling for him (though i'm in denial. LOL!)